When I Was Your Age

Are you ready for bed yet, kitty cat?  It’s getting late, so be a good girl and climb into your jelly pod.  Grandpa wants to talk to you about something…

cranial-implantI know you may not believe me, but when I was your age we couldn’t just think into our computers like you can. We had to touch them with our fingers and thumbs, letter by letter, and it was very primitive… I understand you’re getting headaches but that doesn’t mean you should be ungrateful for your implants.  Your parents paid a lot of money to have you technologically inseminated.

Retina-scanDo you know how lucky you are not to have to carry around money and keys and a phone like I did when I was your age? Always having your pockets stuffed with junk? Pah-kets?  They were little pouches sewn into our clothes so you didn’t lose all your shit– I mean, stuff.  But now we can make calls and open doors and pay for things by retinal scan.  And when Mind Command asks you to identify yourself, you don’t have to fish around for an ID card.  So a few migraines is well worth the privilege, don’t you think?

Wrong way crash on 520, Thursday morning, April 4, 2013. Credit: KING-5

And when Grandpa tells you he can’t pick you up after school, but will send an auto for you, he doesn’t want tears and pouting. When I was your age, cars couldn’t drive themselves.  We had to do it manually, using a steering wheel, and a lot of people sucked at it.  In California, where Grandpa lived, most of the accidents were between Armenian men and Asian women. But one day, it happened to him!  Some stoned-outta-his-tree UCLA punkass smashed into Grandpa head on, and the little bastard didn’t have insurance. So Grandpa spanked some sense into him for a while, and called his insurance company.

Welcome to NEVADA!
Welcome to NEVADA!

Kali-forn-ya?  It was the western most part of the Divided States of America before the Cataclysm.  It’s gone now, but that’s for the better too. I mean, can you imagine our country without the glorious coast of Nevada?

I’m sorry I couldn’t get you at school, but I was at the voting scanners to cast my ballot.  Did you know that when I was your age, people could run for president? It’s true, one person was in charge of everything.  Ridiculous, right?  That’s why today we pledge allegiance to the corporation.  And if we’re lucky, President Lockheed Martin will be re-elected for another eight years.

imgresOkay, lights out.  Big day tomorrow… What’s that, kitty cat?  What do I miss the most?  Well… if I had to say, it would probably be… the water. There was a time when every single house had “water faucets” inside of them.  Faw-sets, it does sound kind of funny.  But they were these amazing devices that you could turn on and off for fresh water any time you wanted.  And people had these glass boxes in their homes, and they would stand inside of them and let water spray all over them for however long they wanted, and it was called “showering.”  Can you imagine that today?  H2Order Patrol would lock you in a reprogramming module and delete the retinal code.

Skiing Downhill ca. 2001 Colorado, USA

But water fell from the sky back then and during something called “winter” it would freeze into “snow” and people would strap planks onto their feet and slide around on it for “fun.”  That was called “skiing” and it was very popular in places like tropical Vermont. Grandpa is not pulling your leg. …He wishes he were sometimes.

But it’s better now, because for all the things that you’ll never know– the one thing we didn’t have when I was your age, were the aliens.  As a matter of fact, we didn’t even think they existed.  I know it sounds kookie, but we were all pretty kookie back then!1420665103zat0h

When I was your age, we had people called “scientists” who came up with crazy theories like– get ready now– we were all tadpoles once, swimming around in the ocean, but over time, we crawled onto land and grew arms and legs and ear lobes and brains, until we look like we do today. Yeah, I know it sounds stupid, and it is stupid, and thankfully scientists are extinct today.

gelpOkay, let’s prepare you for sleep mode.  Grandpa will help attach your Obliterator Cables.  No, no, it only hurts if you choose to feel it that way.  Don’t you want to wake up be fully aligned like everyone else?

That’s my girl.  Now close your eyes and pick a sweet dream to have.  When I was your age, we had to come up with dreams all on our own.

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